Passing the respectability test

There are very few occasions I have encountered vile angry hate speech in Manchester. Last week was one of those occasions. I was invited out to a party on an open invitation so I took my friend along. What was seemed like a lovely evening was spoilt by some very nasty comments by a different friend who was angry with me the next day. I will tell you why you see my first friend is transgender. A fact I neglected to mention to my second friend who was most upset that I brought in someone she was not used to seeing. So while my transgender friend is white and British, she fails in another aspect of social respectability. 

My friend (the one who invited me) was angry because she could not understand why a man would dress like a woman – clearly a disorder she says. She went on to tell me her employers (the restaurant where we ate) would ‘think badly’ of her. This lady said other nasty things about my transgender friend which I have no intention of repeating. What struck me was how her hatred of my transgender friend was not just based on her prejudices and ignorance but also on looking disreputable. My transgender friend found it strange that one should think less of an LGBT person in Manchester of all places. My transphobic friend went onto tell me she thinks everyone is equal and thinks everyone must be respected equally ... wait for it she doesn't want to look like a nasty person. 

I have heard these words before 'I am not a (insert prejudice here )but ......' 'I don't want to look  .......' I wish people would acknowledge their inner prejudices rather than falsely reassure themselves of their neutrality. I also wish people would acknowledge that these prejudices are their own and not acquired for the sake of society (which is quite oblivious of them). In the wake of Leelah Alcorn's death we should not use society as an excuse to justify our own prejudices.  In India where I come from I have heard this excuse being made several times, for example parents force their children into taking certain courses at university to look good in the eyes of society. This is the same society that turns around and mocks them when their children go on to take their lives. My transphobic friend did engage with this politic being a non-British white person she would like to be accepted in British society but being heterosexual and cisgender she wants to distance herself from another kind of minority. However by making statements about another persons appearance and being nasty about it she was not being very polite or well mannered (a perception she wants others to have of her). The politics of respectability is a very convenient one, it allows the perpetrator of any kind of prejudice to deny their agency.  For example is it okay to say I am rude to you as a woman because society demands misogyny? If that statement seems ridiculous it is meant to be, it is meant to show how ridiculous some of our prejudices seem when we use the politics of respectability.

My friend hid behind her nationality, job, heterosexuality and cisgenderness to justify her prejudice and also her reaction. ‘How would that look to her employers’ was my transgender friend’s comment on the issue. That is a question that does need asking what will her employers think of her nasty reaction. Does defending an invisible uncaring society make them love us more? Do we pass if we point out the failings of another person? Twenty years ago it would have been me who would have been attacked for being the wrong skin colour. It is a fact I am always aware of, when I start passing in white society and my friends don't I am wary of this easy acceptance. I am aware it could all turn against me just as easily. I might be respectable as a cisgender woman of colour when compared with a transgender woman but if the transgender person wasn’t around I would be an outsider, this is not true equality. In another situation those same characteristics have been used against me to show solidarity with my transgender friend to include her into white respectable society. I have heard similar arguments by different immigrant groups at different points of their citizenship. Some pass the test by being good workers, some by becoming more British, but always at the cost of outing another immigrant.  My acceptance into respectable society is not a real one it is only test in which I have scored more respectable points than another person. I do not want to be accepted by people who decide what is passes as based on whims. To gain the approval of our oppressors does not make us any better than them, it only makes us become like them. My transgender friend has a good analogy for this situation – pulling up the ladder behind you she says. Unfortunately this is all too true of the politics of respectability we pull ladders up when we reach a certain stage in our lives.

I will not apologise for my friend’s appearance (which is almost always appreciated by those who meet her). I will not apologise for her not being transgender enough as all these excuses pander to our oppressors.  I will not apologise for taking her out for dinner. I will not apologise for being different.




PS: this comedy sketch explains this point well.