Why fighting feminism is counterproductive.

I got talking to a young polite man yesterday who said ‘I like to be a gentleman, I wish women would let themselves be treated as women’. I did want to say several things but seeing as he was very naive about the issue I held back a bit. Women would behave in a dainty way if society around them were dainty. Manners alone don’t protect us. As Audre Lorde said ‘my silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you’. The well idea of the idealised womanhood is still cherished by men who assume a woman would want to submit to this once she is married. The idea is flawed- marriages fall apart. The well-behaved woman stops behaving nicely once she knows her good behaviour makes her vulnerable. Feminism wasn’t born out of a need to be difficult it was society that was being difficult to women and still is.

Not being able to stand up for oneself isn’t a virtue it is a curse. I have a friend who once said she didn’t trust men polite or not, she wasn’t difficult, just hurt. Her hurt had taught her that men who open doors for women also let themselves out of those doors and abandon women. Politeness is wonderful, and I do appreciate that quality in both men and women, however politeness needs to be matched with a deeper sense of morality. If opening a door is a way to emulate your grandfather and feel nostalgic don’t do it. Do it because you respect the woman in front of you, do it because you feel a need to humble yourself, afterall good manners are a way of saying to the other person I respect you and think of you as important. To men who think they respect women I will say this feminism isn’t your enemy, patriarchal oppression is. It teaches both men and women they must conform even when it hurts them. Men are taught to be loud and coarse to display their masculinity and women passive to their aggressions. For those of us who reject such narrow definitions of gender feminism provides an answer. Don’t blame victims for taking up arms against their oppressors. To polite gentlemen I say this look at the men around you look at how they behave around women does their behaviour inspire trust?

Feminism comes from a deep wound one which needs healing not injuring. Women protesting aren’t the problem they are a symptom of an unequal society. People who have been treated unfairly have a right to be suspicious of their oppressors. Women bear their oppressions in silence and with dignity. Women with broken ribs and black eyes claim to have walked into doors. Their silence and their obvious lies don’t protect them. Women are scared when a man holds open a door he might touch her bottom. These are genuine fears that have a basis in truth. Women have come to fear not just aggressive men but polite ones as well. If politeness could protect us then we would have redeemed ourselves.

To the gentlemen amongst you I will say if you claim to respect us then join forces with us. Talk to your fellow men who treat us unequally don’t tell us silence ourselves.